Relationships

I no longer think of being in a relationship with that someone special. I thought I had learned my lesson about falling in love too fast, or like, or lust, for that matter, back in the mid ‘90’s. Twice in the early part of this decade I forgot those lessons and let myself get too attached too soon, and got burned. Last year, I went to a party and met someone who was really nice and seemed really interested in me. This time, though, I went slow, really slow. I learned that she and I had many similarities in our lives- we both had kids in late teens or early twenties, we both were born and grew up in the northeast portion of the country (PA & RI), we both had lived in northern Florida (Pensacola and Tallahassee), we both had lived in Southern California (San Fernando Valley & San Gabriel Valley), we both listed Edward Abbey as one of our favorite authors, we both like baseball, we both have psychiatric issues (bipolar and depression), we had several friends in common, our music tastes were very similar, and at the time we met, we were both thinking about moving to Sebastopol.

I was bound and determined not to let my emotions run ahead unchecked. We were seeing each other occasionally for about 3 months learning about all our similarities. I felt we were growing closer, and at a pace that was much slower than in the past with others. We went to see the Grateful Dead (or whatever they were calling themselves at the time) and spent the night in a motel with three others as we didn’t want to be driving 2 hours to get home that night. While at the show, the relationship took a turn towards the physical, very unexpectedly for me, yet very nice. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, that’s how nice it was!

Four of us took off for San Francisco the next morning after a great breakfast at an IHOP next to the motel we stayed in and dropped off Tom & Steph. We jumped into my car and started driving to Marin, as she left her car at my place. As we were driving, she very unexpectedly announced that she was not interested in a relationship with me. Talk about getting hit upside the head with an 18# sledgehammer! I mean, she could have at least waited a couple of days or so! Talk about buzz kill! I asked her what happened in between Deal (the last encore) and breakfast, but never got a clear answer.

It could have been worse, but I had to get busy right away looking for a place to move to. Fortunately, I was extremely busy for the next several months and was able to not let that interlude affect me more than it did. It hurt, no doubt, probably more than all of the previous non-relationships put together. This one ranks a definite #2 in heartaches in my lifetime. I mean, I really, really, really tried to not let myself get too attached too soon. And then it happens again.

It saddens me when I think about why I have spent so much time alone in my lifetime, so I try not to. But when I do think about it, I try to figure out why, but I can never find an answer to that question. I try not to think about it because it hurts when I do think about it. So I now immerse myself in music, baseball, cancer benefits, writing, my old photos, and anything else artistically creative that I can.

UPDATE:
 I found this photo in Stephanie's Facebook photos. It was taken at The Dead show with the woman in question..