It's no biggee anymore. I left my family in RI in January of 1985. The year before was probably the last holiday season that was any where near normal for me, except for perhaps 1 or 2 during the early part of my marriage. I left in a cocaine haze, lived in my van for several months, and have spent the rest of my life trying to attain some semblance of a normal life: family, kids, half decent career, some success in some interest, hobby, or sport. There have been several fleeting moments where I thought I might be getting close at some, just never got the cigar. I've also spent more time looking for jobs, homes, housemates, and significant others, and putting out fires than I care to think about, much more than any person should ever have to in one's lifetime.
I was married for 3 years when we split. Sierra had just turned 3 about a month earlier and doesn't really remember us ever being together. We also knew going into that last season that I would be moving out shortly afterwards, we only delayed it for Sierra's sake.
My brother and sister-in-law moved to California about two years later. While we have spent some of the holidays together, most of the time Sierra would spend those days and their eves at her mom's house. I was always welcome to come over, but don't forget that my ex-mother-in-law and ex-sister-in-law are fucking assholes from Hades. We were always civil towards each other, but because of our tumultuous relationships, those days were always fraught with some tension.
So I would kick back at home, and enjoy the extra day of sleeping late. As the years passed on, those extra days of sleeping late became more precious. I savored not having any responsibilities for one more day. I got used to it. I found out this past year just exactly why I needed them.
The original meaning of Christmas has been totally lost on this generation of instant gratification. It is all about who has the biggest light display! If sales are off from the previous year, the holidays are a disaster! Oh financial woe! Buy! Buy! Buy! If you don't, you're not doing your civic duty! Let's get drunk and screw* at the office party! (These days, I'll skip the gettin' drunk part and cut right to the chase.)
Maybe getting laid off 2 days before Sierra's birthday and 2 weeks before Christmas one year had something to do with this indifference? Is it any wonder some don't give an R.A. about 'holidays'?
As mentioned in an earlier post, for years I felt that missed social and employment opportunities fueled my depression, when only recently have I begun to consider that perhaps my depression hindered me from obtaining those goals. I've spent a lot of time alone over the years because of this, and not just at this time of the year. It may sound sad, but like I said, you get used to it, especially if you need it. (Please- no pity, no tears, no wailing or gnashing of teeth. I'm good with it. Really.)
Sierra is at her mom's house this year. It's raining and cold outside tonight, but I'm dry, fed, medicated, and warm (enough.)
Sometimes you just get one raw deal after another, and maybe just once in a while, just maybe, you get a pair.... you get used to it.
*Jimmy Buffett
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